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Don Fyre advice column


ersatz
(@ersatz)
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This stuff is classic!

Dear Don: Advice from "The Predator"
02/12/2007
with Ben Fowlkes

Don Frye has beaten up more men, for more money, in more places than you can even spell. Who better to turn to for advice on love, life, friendship, and more?

In this new feature from IFL.tv, Scorpions coach Don Frye answers your questions, dispensing his own brand of wisdom to make the world a better (or at least more interesting) place. If you have a problem and want Don’s advice, simply email it to [email protected] and check back regularly for new installments.

Dear Don,
Valentine's Day is coming up, and this is the first one with my girl. I'm not a real romantic guy and I know she expects something special, besides some half-dead flowers and an overpriced meal, so do you have any ideas/tricks I can use to please my lady and get me some booty this Valentine's?

Here’s what you do. Obviously, you’ve got a computer, so go on the internet and find a place that sells really nice wine. Next, print off a picture of the one the fancy bottles of wine, one of the real expensive ones. Then glue it on top of a cheap bottle.

You see, women like expensive stuff because it means you care enough to spend your dough. My guess is she wouldn’t know a cheap bottle of wine from an expensive one anymore than she’d know a wristlock from a wrist watch. So let her think it cost you a bundle. It’s still got alcohol in it, right?

Once that’s done, do the same thing with a box of chocolates. She’ll like that.

When she comes over to your house you give her the wine and the chocolates. Watch how excited she gets. Once she’s in a good mood you give her two choices: either go out to a strip club or stay in and some watch some fights.

Either way, it should be a pretty good night.

Dear Don,
My roommate won't do the dishes. I even started eating off of paper plates, but the sink is foul and full of rotten food and our house smells like the dump on the Fourth of July. How do I get this guy to do the dishes?

Aw, hell. That’s not so tough. You just got to find a way to let the guy know that it’s bothering you. They call that “open communication”.

What I’d do is take all those dirty dishes out of the sink and put them in his bed. Not on top of the bed, either. I’m talking about down under the covers. Get a few on his pillow too, what the hell. Then pull the covers over the top of them and wait for him to come home. He’ll get the message.

If he doesn’t, then you’ve got some real problems on your hands.

Dear Don,

I'm a 24 year-old engineering student from La Jolla, Calif. There's a girl in my lab that I really like, but she doesn't know I exist. What should I do?

That is a tough one. Let’s see, what did I used to do to get a woman to notice me…I know, have you tried telling her about the time you and Takayama beat the hell out of each other? I’m just messing with you, partner.

But you’re an engineering student. You’re supposed to be the smart one here, so act like it.

The good news is you two have the same interests. You’re both students, so why don’t you invite her to a group study session down at the local watering hole? You know, get together and talk about the big test or whatever it is you guys do.

When she shows up and it’s just you there, you buy her a couple of drinks while you wait for the other people to show up. Remember, alcohol never hurt anyone’s chances. By the time she realizes there isn’t anyone else coming, the two of you have already had some drinks and some laughs together, so who cares? You just keep right on going.

If you play your cards right, you may even get to do some engineering of your own.

Dear Don,
After thirteen up-and-down years of marriage, my wife and I have decided to split up. I'm not too upset about it and neither is she, but recently she's taken up with a much younger man. We're separated but the divorce hasn't finalized yet and so technically we're still married.

When I saw my wife with this guy, I was suddenly, unexpectedly jealous. I want her to move on and live her own life but knowing this punk is stepping out with my wife makes me nuts. What should I do?

Let me ask you a question. You’re a man right? I mean, biologically and all that, you’ve got the necessary parts? Good, glad to hear it.

Now start acting like it.

A man has got to have some dignity. You got rid of her for a reason, didn’t you? I’m guessing part of that reason is that you don’t want her anymore. So why should you care if she’s out with some jerk? You wouldn’t want her now that she’s been giving it away to him, would you? Of course not. It’s like tainted meat.

Besides, you know how many other women there are out there? I can’t put my finger on a number, but it’s a lot. So stop whining. That isn’t what a man does. A man would go out and find another woman - one even younger than that guy his wife is dating, if he really wants to make a point.

Then again, maybe you’d rather stay home and feel sorry for yourself while some guy’s whooping it up with your wife. If that’s the case, then there's nothing I can say to fix the kind of troubles you got.

Got a question? Email it to [email protected] and check back for your answer. Questions may be edited for length and content, and the same goes for Don’s replies.


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Sir Savage
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Who knew Frye was so brilliant?


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ozzman
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Is Dante moonlighting?


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Gahan
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Truly, these are the words of a great sage.


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SonOfThor
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I can't wait for the next episode! This is better than most advice columns I've had the misfortune of reading.


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Stay Puft
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This is a howl.


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Jason Pegg
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Don Fry is a pretty bad dude too. I met him at Walter Reed once. He seemed to be a pretty nice guy.

Jason


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